Kinkily Yours

The comment was made tonight in chat that there is a lot of agism online and it got me to thinking – there’s a lot of agism in BDSM in general.  That’s not really a bad thing, though.  Often times, a submissive wants a Dominant who is older because they think that they are more experienced.  This isn’t always the case.  Just because a Dominant is 30 or 40 or older, doesn’t mean that they have any more experience than someone who’s 18 years old.  I’m sure people will balk at that idea, but it’s true.  It doesn’t matter how old or young you are if you have no experience.  Everyone finds BDSM at different stages in life, so that 45 yr old Dom/me you’re chatting with could have just read 50 Shades of Grey and decided that he wanted to be like Christian Grey.  On the other hand, that 18 yr old Dom/me who just started talking to you could be like Christian Grey was – brought into the lifestyle at a young age and has come into his/her own.

Now, please bear in mind that 50 Shades of Grey is not a shining example of D/s and power exchange, but it does lend itself well to the examples that I wanted.  The point is the same – age doesn’t make experience.  Experience makes experience.  So yes, there is a lot of agism in BDSM, but perhaps we can change that by opening our minds and giving others a chance.

I think that there are cases where agism is completely justified.  I don’t think that a relationship with too large of an age gap work well.  I don’t think that experience can bridge too large of a gap.  I believe that more than 15 year age difference is going to be hard to overcome.  If you think about it, I’m 35 years old, 15 years younger would be 20.  Someone who is 20 would have been born in 1992.  I was 16 years old,  babysitting kids that were that young.  So yeah – totally weird to me.  It also works for older as well, I’m 35, 15 years older would be 50.  They are set in their life, starting to slow down some.  I’m not even close to slowing down yet.  So it wouldn’t work out.  Generational differences as well, but I don’t want to go into those.

So anyway.  Agism is a very real thing.  Not necessarily bad, though.

Every now and then, I come across a submissive who says they have no limits.  I roll my eyes every single time and ask them: So, if I asked you to kill someone for me you would do it?  They backpedal quickly and say no they wouldn’t.  So I ask again, do you have limits? And again, I get the same answer.  No.  So I ask, “Would you have sex with a child?”  Again, the answer comes, “No.”

Now tell me, if you’re saying no to those two acts, don’t you have limits?  It may seem like an extreme example to suggest murder as a limit, but you don’t know what people are into.  Everyone has limits.  EVERYONE.

I did not write this.  This was written by _Min_ on fetlife and thought it’d be great to share.  This is being reposted with his blessing as you will see below.  Comments in red are my my thoughts.

I’m a reader.  I always have been, from the time I was a young girl.  I used to read anything I could get my hands on.  In one of the upstairs bedrooms in the house I grew up in, there were boxes, upon boxes of books.  They weren’t age appropriate books, but they also weren’t filled with rampant sex.  At least not all of them.  I did learn about sex and bdsm at a young age from books that I stumbled across in my reading.

As I’ve gotten older, I am more selective about my reading choices, but I’ve noticed one thing – a  lot of mainstream literature carries a lot of overtures toward BDSM in them.  One of the big ones in the news lately is 50 Shades of Grey, which since starting this post almost a week ago, I have read all 3 books of the trilogy.  I enjoyed the story. I enjoyed the characters. I enjoyed the escapism of it.

I do, however, have some issues with the trilogy.

First off. The writing is in serious need of a good editor. Honestly, you could create several drinking games out of the phrase repeats. “Holy Cow”, “Whoa”, “Oh my Fifty” .. I could keep going.

Secondly. The main problem I have with the dominant is that he is only a dominant because he had a rough childhood and his mother was a crack addict whore. So, since this is like.. the only mainstreamed book with bdsm in it, that’s the impression the whole world gets of D/s. That’s not realistic.

Thirdly. The Erotica portion of the program. SERIOUSLY?? “DOWN THERE”? That is not erotic, nor is it enticing. The sex scenes were hastily written, seemingly an after thought. AND the “kinky fuckery” that was talked of – THERE WAS NONE! He tied her up a couple times, he teased with a flogger or a crop… big deal. A lot of bedroom games include that. The ‘harshed’ scene was 6 strokes of the belt. Really? You’re going to freak out and run from that? Did you not know punishment as a child?

Last but not least. How on gods green earth did this end up in the mainstream as the representation of BDSM? This story started out as fan fiction, not quality literature.

Overall, for all the issues, I truly did enjoy the trilogy. I was sucked in almost instantly and read until I couldn’t read any more at night, then started when I woke up again. I think that for all the problems I found with it, there are counter points that make it something that I’d read again.¹

I think that books can be a great way for people to discover BDSM, but I am concerned about what they’re learning from the books that they’re reading.  Frankly, there is too much about BDSM that can’t be learned without first hand experience.

1. This was taken directly from my book blog, not plagerized in any way.

Bratting has been discussed a lot lately on a Fetlife group that I enjoy, Pleasure Library.  There seems to be a lot of dissenting point of views on bratting and it amuses me to look at who does most of the dissenting.  It seems to me that the biggest point of dissension comes from those submissive girls who call themselves brats.  They aren’t really brats.  They have spirit, fire, a lust for life.  They’re playful and fun to have around.

To me, and many other Dominants, a brat is someone who acts out for the sake of acting out.  Someone who wants attention and doesn’t care if it’s negative or if they’re annoying the hell out of the Dominant.  A brat will poke and prod at whatever Dominant is around, whether the Dominant is interested in them or not.  They push themselves on others.  They want the focus of the Dominant on them.  They don’t care.  It’s what they want and they want it on their terms.  By definition, a brat is an an ill-mannered immature person.

To me, a brat is not a real submissive.  A brat is a ‘look at me’ kind of girl/guy, someone who wants things on their terms, when it’s right for them. A real submissive has spirit, fire, a fun and playful side.  But they know when to reign it in and quit pushing the Dominant.  They also know who to push at.  They are playful with those that they’re close to.  They don’t push themselves on whomever is around.  A submissive will be playful with their sub friends, with their Dom friends, but never with a total stranger.  They may be friendly and fun-loving, but they don’t step out of line with those who don’t know them.

So yeah, that’s my take on brats and bratting.  If you take issue with it, take a look at the definition of a brat and see if that’s how you’re acting.

Okay a few posts ago, I wrote about the difference between the Dominant roles in BDSM so now lets talk about the submissive side of the game.  There are fewer roles on this side of the game, but there are still differences.

Sub: Sub is short for submissive.  This is the general term for all those who want to be dominated.  They want to give up their control.  They want to have someone else take control.  They want to submit, of their own free will, to one who is stronger than they are.  One may be submissive in their every day life, but not to the degree that they have no control at all.  That is a submissive.

Slave: One who gives up all control of their life, willingly, to a Dominant is often considered to be a slave.  They don’t want any control, they want their Dominant to make the decisions in their lives, they want to give themselves over fully to their Dominants will.  Often times, the term slave gives the connotation of being owned property.  This is what the submissive craves.  This does not mean that the slave doesn’t have their own mind, nor does it mean that they are doormats to be walked all over by Dominants.  This simply means that they have chosen to give themselves to a Dominant whom they trust to control their lives.  A slave defers to their Owner/Master/Dominant, follows their orders, looks to them for guidance.  Some slaves, depending on their relationship, even defer to their Dominant for the simplest of life decisions, including when to eat or sleep or what to eat or drink.  This is not necessarily a common thing, but that type of micromanagement is seen in a Master/slave dynamic if both parties want it.

Bottom: One may be sexually submissive, which means they are only submissive in a sexual situation.  They want to be in control of other aspects of life, but not during sex.  Someone who wants this is often considered to be a bottom.  A bottom may be in control of the relationship, they may be Dominant in life, but when it comes to their sexual proclivity, they choose to be on the bottom.  They choose to allow someone else to be in control of the sex.  In most cases, it literally means that they are the one on the bottom.

Now, with that all being said, let me point out that those who prefer the submissive way of life can also be mentors and guardians, which I defined in my previous post.  Those kind of roles transcend Dominance and submission.  They’re far less common in submissive nature, but they are still possible to be there.

Sex is one of the very few topics that I don’t generally post about and there is a good reason for that.  I typically believe that too many people focus on sex in D/s relationships and I believe that there is far more to D/s than that.  That’s not to say that there isn’t a place for sex in D/s.  Quite contrary, sex and especially sex toys have a place in D/s relationships.

Just because one doesn’t make sex the primary objective, doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy it.  Intimacy can be enhanced through sexual encounters and toy use.  For instance, a barehanded spanking can be a great thing, but if you want to have a little extra fun and leave an impression, a “slut” paddle would do the trick.  Not only does it leave the word on the flesh, but it can be used to leave a different type of mark on flesh.  Hand prints on flesh tend to be less easily explained if they’re noticed by someone outside of the lifestyle.  They are often seen as a sign of abuse when abuse is the last thing that’s on either parties mind at the time.

Another of my favorite toys is a vibrating egg, especially one that is wireless and/or remote controlled.  The reason that I feel this way is because it can be inserted early in the day but not turned on.  It can be controlled by someone else, the Dominant, whenever they feel the desire to tease the submissive.  They can pass it off to someone else, allow them to tease the submissive.  The submissive has no idea when it’s going to be coming or how long it’s going to last.  A sub can be teased and kept on edge for hours, even throughout a work day.  No one would have to know about it.  Imagine sitting at the table in a restaurant with your partner, the egg buried inside you and just as a cute waiter comes to the table, the egg jumps to life…

There are so many toys that can enhance D/s play.  Whips, canes, floggers, chastity devices, vibes and dildos.  The most creative Dominant can find a use for any toy.  And since we’re talking about toys, lets talk about where to buy toys.  I’m not a big toy purchaser, however, I have purchased toys from EdenFantasys and have never been disappointed by them.  I highly recommend checking out their site and if you become a member, you can earn points to turn into gift cards for future purchases.  What could be better?

So yeah, I do believe in sex and sexual intimacy in a D/s relationship, I do believe in use of toys during D/s play.  I’m not a total sex-hating Domme biatch.

Many people use blogger or wordpress.com for their blogs because they don’t know about how easy it can be to host your own site. The biggest problem, however, is that those of use who enjoy adult activities and blog about it .. well we’re not exactly following the terms of service. I have my own domain, my own hosting, but it’s not adult hosting. I’m hoping that my content never ends up getting me booted from my host. I think it’d be a really sad day if it did.

I know this isn’t part of my normal posting style, but it was something that didn’t really fit on my vanilla blogs. Plus, it’s given me something to think about. Perhaps it’s time to consider a server and sharing it around with my like-minded friends. I think it could be fun.. and profitable…

Whats with Dominants or submissives that just disappear after giving or accepting a collar? Isn’t that a real cowardly way to break things off? How does it make the “other” feel? Do you try to find a reason or just move on?

Frankly, as someone who has had a submissive disappear on them; I find disappearing acts to be incredibly cowardly.  I find them to be a pathetic act.  I realize that there are times when a disappearing act can’t be helped if there are unexpected health issues or an accident, but in today’s world of cell phones being attached to everyone, even in hospitals, there’s generally no reason to not make contact. All phones have internet of some sort, even prepaid phones on the worst carriers.  You can text to emails even, so there’s no excuses there.

How does it make someone feel? It makes them feel like complete crap.  It makes them wonder what they did that was so bad that they didn’t even deserve a real ending to a relationship.  It makes them question everything and everyone around them and it makes them wary of those who come after.  No matter the reason, whether you ever get one or not, it doesn’t change how the ending came.  The only thing you can do is pick up the pieces and do the best to move on.  It’s not easy, for sure, but eventually, you realize that it was better that it ended because there are better people out there for you.

I had a conversation with someone recently about Gender and Roles in the lifestyle. The question that was posed to me was:

How do you feel about the idea that women (minus the statistical outliers found in any data set) are, by and large submissive by nature?

My initial response:

I think that it’s a product of upbringing, if you think about it. For decades, women were expected to stay at home, take care of the home and family. It was rare for a woman to work outside of the home and when they did, it was in a job of service to a male in some nature or another. I think that most women believe that they are inherently submissive because that’s how they saw their mothers and grandmothers. Even in today’s time, a woman who works outside the home is still expected to come home, make dinner, take care of the family, etc, so that the husband doesn’t have to.

The more I ponder on this question and the entirety of the conversation in general, the more I wonder how many people have stopped to think about why they are who they are.

Are you submissive because that’s all you know how to be? Are you submissive because that’s what you’ve been taught to be? Are you submissive because that’s what’s expected of you?  Are you submissive just because that’s what will get you what you want from a significant other?  Or are you just submissive?

Are you dominant because that’s what’s expected of you? Are you dominant because that’s who you’ve always been? Are you dominant because you’ve been hurt so many times that it’s a defense mechanism?  Are you just naturally dominant? Or are you dominant because you think that’s going to get you what you want?

The question of nature vs nurture always comes to mind, obviously.  As does the question of genetics.    I think those are two things that definitely can lead us to being who we are.  I also think that someone can be molded into who they are.  The one thing that people tend to forget is how moldable young minds truly are.  If a child is in a household where the woman is submissive to the man, they can and often do grow up thinking that is how it should be.  This isn’t always the case.  There are those who grow up knowing who they are.  Knowing that they are strong, that they are independent, that they are dominant.  I do not mean this in a D/s or sexual way.  Not by a long shot.

I believe that dominance and submission is inherent in a person, but the way we are raised does tend to play a role in shaping us.  If someone grows up in a house where the male dominates the home, the female is submissive to the male, then it’s highly likely that a female child will grow up to believe that the woman is meant to be submissive even if that’s not how they feel inside.  The same goes with males growing up in that same household – they see the male dominance and expect that to be what they’re meant to do.  They say that abuse is cyclical, it takes a strong person to break the cycle and I think that Dominance and submission is also cyclical as well.